Lonely at the Top
I want to help you find the people you don't have to be “fine” for.
Last Thursday I finished a call with a senior partner at a firm you would recognize. The legal question was settled in twenty minutes. The rest of the call was her telling me, in a voice I’m sure she rarely lets anyone hear, that she has no one to talk to about any of it. She can't say the hard things to her associates, because they report to her. She can't say them to her fellow partners, because they compete with her. She softens everything for her family, because when she’s honest and tells all, they worry.
She said, "Everyone assumes I'm fine because I have to be."
I know that feeling so well. There were years I could have said the same thing.
THE PROBLEM
Somewhere along the way, a wall shows up. It’s not intentional. You just feel like you have more responsibility and less people you can let down your guard and purge to. You look great on the outside. You’re doing all the things, but on the inside, forget it. You just feel empty.
I call this “fake-fine.”
How are you? “Good. Fine.” Or, "Busy, but I’m fine!"
And if it's lonely in the middle, like they say, it's absolutely desolate at the top. The higher up you go and the more people you lead, the more performative it gets. The fewer people you can get honest with.
THE USUAL ADVICE SUCKS
The standard advice is to get out more. Go to the bar association events and find people at your level. Grab coffee with others. Grow connections. I’ve done all of that and more.
Guess what? More contact didn't make me less lonely.
You can stand in a room of 200 colleagues, ready to mingle, and feel more isolated than you did in the car on the drive over.
You need honesty and to be with your peeps to feel better. Not some Band-Aid approach that isn't real.
WHY THIS WORKS
Getting real.
In my experience, what works is a small number of people you can tell the truth to regularly, who tell you the truth back.
Peers who understand the pressure because they live it, too. A place where "how are you" is a real question. Where you can say what's happening that’s good, and what’s actually falling apart. You feel safe. And you get real listening and empathy.
These kind of conversations can feel like therapy. Saying the truth out loud to someone who’s actively listening changes something in the body. You can feel it. Your shoulders drop. Your breath deepens. Your jaw unclenches. It feels nourishing.
THREE THINGS TO TRY THIS WEEK
1. Name one person who gets it. Someone at your level, ideally outside your firm, whose pressure looks like yours. Send a message: "I keep meaning to call, would love to talk (like really talk). Can we please put 30-minutes on the calendar this month?" That’s it.
2. Trade one “fake-fine” answer for a real one. The next time a colleague you trust asks how you’re doing, answer with one true sentence instead of "busy, but good." Truth invites truth. You may be surprised at the response and who sighs in relief first.
3. Put honesty on the calendar. A standing monthly call with two or three peers where the only agenda is what's working and what isn't. Make it recurring so it survives the busy times, because that's exactly when you’ll need it most.
THE TAKEAWAY
You were never supposed to carry your whole career (and life!) alone. Loneliness at this level is a signal, the same way burnout is. We aren't meant to be alone. Find your peeps. They’re there, and they need you as much as you need them.
THIS WEEK'S RECESS
In court, a recess means everything stops, and everyone breathes. So each newsletter ends with one small recess of your own, a single quick practice you can actually do.
This week's recess is a 60-second pause. Once this week, before you open an email or make that call, sit for sixty seconds, phone face down, and breathe. One question: how am I, really? Whatever answer shows up, let it. Sixty seconds of honesty here usually means more of you makes it to that next thing.
(Bonus points: sit for another sixty seconds, noticing the in-breath, then the out-breath. Put your hand on your wrist while you’re breathing - skin touching skin. That’s it. You’ll notice a difference. Promise!)
That's the whole practice. Let me know how it goes!